Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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