i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
