She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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