Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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