You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
