im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
