I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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