she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
