Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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