Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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