I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can't put those talents on a resume
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
