she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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