My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
