How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I have tasted many bathrooms
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
