my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
