so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
