Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
