my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
