i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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