i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
