OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
