All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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