....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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