life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
