Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
