bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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