just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
