One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
