She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
