Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
