I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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