I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
