my mouth tastes like poor choices
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
