Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
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