My liver just broke up with me...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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