Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
