Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
