Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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