getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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