so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
