I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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