Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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