I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
