someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
