I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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