What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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