Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
