the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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