If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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