Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
