I puked a lego.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
