apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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